This week already is a roller coaster of emotion – tremendous highs and deep dipping lows. As I read Scroll II for the first time, I wept with the beauty of it, then walked out into the exquisite, cold moonlit, star filled night; the words ‘I will love the light for it shows me the way; yet I will love the darkness for it shows me the stars’ echoed in and around me. What a blessing to have to walk the pooch. This is only Saturday.
Sunday bliss abruptly slammed into my old blueprint…I was just in the middle of OG’s Q & A on how to respond to others with love, deep in the paragraph that starts with ‘And how I will act?’ where it says …’I will build bridges so that my love may enter their souls’ when I found myself reacting to being summoned to the house. The bridge caved in.
I do not take being summoned well. Emotions shredded the air, love dissolved, unsaid upsets shrieked silently, and then words began to fly. Much later after a great deal of thought I got that I had not shared enough of what this course is doing to and for me. I had caused the outcome of our interaction with my omissions and assumptions.
Intimacy takes courage. Late Sunday evening two courageous people sat together sharing each others truths. Easy it was not, fierce it was indeed. I shared about this course, how it rewires the brain, about how it is re-wiring me for faith, not failure, how it is a spiritual experience for me to once again take the space to become this intimate with myself. He shared about Respect and what that looks like to him. He shared he is supportive and shared his desire that we both work to communicate more even in the face of so much going on. I listened. Respect on either side surfaced slowly and with it a door creaked open to a room neither of us had gone through in a long time.
I must act in Faith that all this IS and will remain True. ‘Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.’ This is one of my favorite scriptures. I used to love to form that scripture in the air using American Sign Language. I loved the feel of words taking form and substance from nothing. I would see it as clearly as if it were hard matter. Faith in motion. Sunday was a terrible, horrible, very good, amazing day.
Then Tuesday, today, two people I love dearly told me their Truth; the uncomfortable truth that has long been unspoken. They shared they felt a huge chasm occurred when I remarried years ago. They made it clear they felt like I disappeared and they told me how much they have missed me. The more I listened, struggling to keep my opinions and knee-jerk responses to defend myself to myself, the more disheartened I became. I listened as fully as I could. I was devastated to hear how it really affected them. To counter the feelings I dove into my DMP, read OG, read my service cards, read my promises – nothing would lighten the darkness. Then I cleared with a fellow coach. Her loving presence lightened my load and allowed me to start a process of looking at what this really means to me.
I am peeling back the layers, inviting precision into my thinking so that I may clearly understand what my next steps may need to be. Is there anything to be done? or nothing to be done? Perhaps it is just to notice. I know I want to live in relationship, not in separation. I know I want harmony and that harmony must first come from within. I want to be sure that I will be, do, have what I really intend and not cause something else in my life other than what I intend. I will take all this to my Sit. And Listen…Listen fully.